"There are several things that should never be given as surprises, even if the person you're surprising has spoken at length about a desire for them. For example, housepets or large furniture. There are also several sexual acts that should never be engaged in as a surprise, even if the person you're surprising has spoken at length about a desire to experience them. This list includes things like anal and sadomasochism. Your first threesome with your wife sits at the overlap of these categories."
"I'm guessing you interpreted the shared fantasies you and your wife have been engaging in, and her approval of your online chats with Teresa, as equalling the kind of agreement and consent that really needs to be clearly confirmed during a non-erotic moment. Your wife may have enjoyed flirting with the fantasy of bringing in a third but not wanted to ever make that a reality, she may have been serious about enacting this fantasy but not ready to follow through at that time."
A man arranged a threesome with his wife and another woman as a Valentine's Day surprise, believing his wife's previous fantasies about it meant she would welcome the arrangement. However, his wife became furious upon discovering he had organized this without her explicit consent beforehand. The advice columnist explains that while the couple had discussed threesomes and the husband had chatted with the third party with apparent approval, fantasizing about something differs from being ready to act on it. Discussing desires does not constitute clear agreement to proceed. The wife may have enjoyed the fantasy conceptually but not wanted reality, may have wanted it eventually but not immediately, or may have had other reservations. Explicit confirmation of consent must occur during calm, non-sexual moments before engaging in significant sexual activities.
Read at Slate Magazine
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