This last year I've been single for the first time in my adulthood essentially (I'm a 30-year-old mostly straight/kind of bi woman). I'm back on dating apps and seem to have luck connecting with people. Although I have barely any experience casually dating, it's something I want to experience. The thing is, I have what feels like a real problem concerning hookups: I don't come easily. I can almost never "get there" with partners-even with long-term ones. Masturbation works for me but even that takes a while. I've tried toys, I've read books, and researched the sexuality spectrum. I don't feel like the categories of asexual or demisexual really apply to me. (I fantasize about sex a lot and have hooked up with people I don't have feelings for, to name a few.) I need to have a genuine sense of safety and connection to get off.
Lastly, I don't feel like I've had a partner (they've all been male) who's been truly invested in helping me orgasm. Some don't really try or care. Some have tried, but ultimately it ends up with them exhausted and me frustrated and embarrassed. Even when I do come, the vulnerability along with the effort just makes me feel ashamed. I don't want to burden a partner (especially a new one) with my emotional issues around sex. It would be easy to say this is a scenario illustrating that men aren't invested in women's pleasure, which is partially true here, but I don't think that's the full story. Don't get me wrong-I want to come, especially when I'm having hot sex with someone, but I'm anxious to ask a partner to try harder, which in turn makes it harder for me to get off. You might see how this turns into an endless feedback loop.
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