A person in a long-term monogamous marriage agreed to avoid details about past relationships. They now worry that a specific detail from a previous open marriage should be shared with their spouse. The guidance is to revisit what was agreed when the couple decided not to discuss particulars, including whether the spouse wanted to avoid specifics. It also recommends examining why the information feels dishonest, identifying the emotions behind that feeling, and clarifying what the person wants to disclose versus what can be omitted. The decision should consider both the communication rules already negotiated and the spouse’s likely preferences.
"When you and Jane agreed to leave out the particulars of past relationships and decided neither of you wanted or needed details, was there any discussion of wanting or needing to avoid hearing details? If Jane has expressed a desire to be spared specifics about your previous relationships, or you're unsure what her position is, that's something to factor into your decision."
"The other significant component to think through here is why, within the guidelines around communication that you and your spouse have negotiated, withholding this information feels dishonest to you. (Nice alliteration there, by the way.) Understanding where your emotions are coming from can likely help you get a better sense of what you want or need to share with her, thus helping you focus on exactly what you would disclose and what you could omit without continuing to feel like you're hiding something."
Read at Slate Magazine
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