"My first thought, upon reading your letter, was a curious: What are the differences for your husband between penetrating your vagina with his penis and performing oral sex on you, in the context of the fact of your having given birth? My second thought was that, in your position, I would have a very difficult time calmly asking that question from a place of genuine inquisitiveness."
"The tone that is most likely to help your husband open up, and therefore notice and reckon with his contradictions, is one of serene interest in his feelings. If you're able to make this query without catalyzing a conflict, the gentlest place to begin is asking: "Can you help me understand what the differences are for you?" Sometimes, enough talking can bring a person to the realization that they're being irrational on their own."
A couple had a baby nine months ago. Before the birth, the husband enjoyed performing oral sex and the wife enjoyed receiving it. After medical clearance to resume sex, the husband refuses oral sex because he cannot get over that their son came from her vagina. The advised approach is to adopt a serene, curious tone and ask him to explain what differences he perceives between penetration and oral sex. Calm, noncombative conversation may lead him to notice contradictions and recognize the irrationality of his reaction. The wife may also set a boundary that he needs to work toward resolving this issue.
Read at Slate Magazine
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