"My wife and I are coming up on a significant anniversary, the kind with an "0" at the end that you don't want to forget. We have each been previously divorced, so we both know firsthand the painful consequences of not staying on top of what's going on in your marriage. As it got closer to this anniversary, I cautiously approached my wife with what seemed to me like a radical idea."
"I suggested that we renegotiate the terms of our marriage, and that we continue to do so every five years from now on. I was concerned that she would hear this as an attempt on my part to either leave the marriage or to negotiate terms that were more to my liking. Fortunately, she immediately understood that my suggestion was not made in the interests of finding a way out, but rather as a way to help us stay connected and happily married."
"It's not uncommon for people to renew their vows on a significant anniversary, but that implies that the vows will remain unchanged and that the marriage will continue under the same agreements. We know that people continually change throughout their lives, so it doesn't make sense to me that any marriage can be well served by a contract that doesn't change over time."
A couple approaching a milestone anniversary chose to renegotiate the terms of their marriage every five years to maintain connection. Both had prior divorces and recognized consequences of neglecting marital issues. The proposal aimed to be a proactive way to stay connected rather than a route to exit. Renewing vows assumes static agreements, but people change over time, making static contracts unrealistic. The suggestion encourages suspending the assumption that the relationship will necessarily continue and regularly reevaluating the goodness of fit for each partner. An anecdote about a pampered dog illustrates that comfort alone doesn't guarantee attachment.
Read at Psychology Today
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