Don't Change Each Other, Change the Emotional Climate

"Most couples that come to see me for couples therapy often have the same agenda: If only I can get the other person to change, I'll feel better. They hope that therapy will do exactly that-that I will sort through their stories, decide who is right or wrong, who really has a problem, and convince the offender to somehow see the light and change their ways."

"It's not about the individual but our patterns. Again, we tend to focus on and blame the other person for their actions. But in reality, it is not what the other person does, but how we react that determines what happens next. Relationships are made of these ways we respond to each other, and they quickly form predictable patterns-some positive, some not."

"It's not about the individual but our patterns. It's not me against you, but you and me against our problems. The antidote to trying to get the other to change is not to see them as the enemy, but to see the problems they're both facing as the enemy. This is the challenge-to work as a team against those problems, rather than against each other."

Many couples believe that if the other person changes they will feel better. Trying to change the other person rarely works and often devolves into arguing or stalemates. A more effective approach is to change the relationship's emotional climate rather than attempting to change individuals. Relationships consist of predictable interaction patterns created by how partners respond to each other. Seeing problems as shared adversaries encourages teamwork and joint problem-solving instead of blaming each other. Resentments, unsolved problems, and imbalance fuel negative climates such as constant arguing, tension, or emotional separation. Working on each partner's own side of the relationship equation often improves the climate.

Read at Psychology Today