Dear Abby: Am I out of line to clean my hosts' house?

"My sons are married and live quite a distance from me. I try to visit several times a year because I want to see my grandchildren as often as I can. Sometimes I stay with them; other times I rent an Airbnb. The problem is that I am a neat-nut. When I'm at their house, I empty full sinks of dishes, clean bathrooms, sweep floors, polish mirrors/windows, dust furniture, etc. I'll even do laundry if they want."

"Because you are being told that cleanliness is not a priority in their lives, it seems your efforts may not be appreciated. Yes, some other people do what you have been doing. (These folks have also been known to rearrange the furniture in other people's homes without being asked to do so.) Is being helpful under these circumstances the right thing to do? I don't think so. In fact, it could be considered obsessive-compulsive."

"I lost my husband two months ago after a long, debilitating illness. I loved him very much, and the loss was very difficult, although not unexpected. After his funeral, an old friend called me offering condolences. He had lost his wife last year after a long illness, and he understood what I had been through. We both had lost spouses after marriages that had lasted 50 years. We remain in touch and would like to start dating."

A mother visits her married sons and cleans their homes because she is fastidious and wants to help while seeing her grandchildren. She asks permission but continues to tidy, wash dishes, clean bathrooms, sweep, dust, polish and even do laundry. Her sons accept initially but express that cleanliness is not a priority and feel judged, prompting her to cease. A recently widowed person lost a spouse after a long illness and has been contacted by a widowed friend who wants to date. The widowed person is torn between loyalty, family feelings and personal readiness; there is no strict timetable for beginning to date.

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