"My best friend of nearly 50 years has been diagnosed with cancer, and the prognosis isn't good. Naturally, I want to support her, but she's making it very challenging. I just spoke with her on the phone to check in, and she got angry with me over something incredibly simple. I had asked about her pain level during her treatment that day and expressed how sorry I was that she had to endure such pain."
"It sounds like your friend has a way of responding to stress that, unfortunately but understandably, triggers you, making a sharp response hurt even more. It will help you to remember that, even when she responds in a way that's less than kind, she's not your sister and the response doesn't bring with it all the baggage of that relationship."
"She told me that if I asked questions like that, she wouldn't be able to talk to me during her treatment. It's clear she wants me in her life; I was the second person she called to talk about her diagnosis, and after our recent conversation, she even asked me to spend the day with her. However, growing up, I was often degraded by my older sister, and I have zero patience for that kind of treatment now."
A longtime friend with a poor cancer prognosis sometimes reacts angrily during calls and treatments when asked about pain, and said such questions would prevent conversation during treatment. The writer feels triggered by these sharp responses because of past degradation by an older sister and has little tolerance for raised voices or blaming. The friend still seeks connection, calling the writer early about the diagnosis and inviting shared time. Understanding that the friend's stress-driven reactions are separate from sibling baggage can reduce personal hurt. The friend communicated a desire to avoid treatment-related engagement, so ask what she does want and set clear boundaries.
Read at www.mercurynews.com
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