After three years of long-distance, my partner and I aren't sure if we should stay together

"My partner and I are professionals in our early 30s. We've been together for five years, and long-distance for the last three, but have just moved back in together. While we were long-distance, we both had difficulties in our work. She had important exams, and it's taken a long time for me to get into my career. Over the last year, our relationship has become strained, and it feels as if we've grown apart. Now it feels as if we aren't friends, let alone partners. This is complicated by our work shifts. Despite now living together, we still barely see each other. We're both keen to figure things out, but feel very unclear about how to stay together. When our relationship works it's phenomenal, and I miss the easy companionship, love and sense of adventure that now seem to be missing. Any advice to help us move forward together would be greatly appreciated."

"My first question was: what's making you want to stay? I wonder if the relationship has run its course, but the time apart has made you feel that now you're back together you have to make it work? You say it's phenomenal when it works, but how long ago was that?"

"Psychoanalytic psychotherapist and relationship expert (and author of a great book called Tell Me The Truth About Love) Susanna Abse's first thought was that it's extremely challenging for couples to be in a long-distance relationship. Unless people have a strong emotional need to keep their sense of separateness and autonomy [and some people do], then separations are usually experienced as painful and disruptive, and over time can lead to a lessening of the attachment bond between a couple."

A couple in their early 30s reunited after three years of long-distance but feel emotionally distant due to work stress and mismatched schedules. Both experienced career and exam pressures that strained the relationship and reduced opportunities for companionship. Long periods apart can make reconnecting difficult and may erode the attachment bond between partners. Reunions often trigger arguments because one partner may not be emotionally ready to reconnect. Attachment dynamics in adult romantic relationships can mirror children's strong reactions to separations from their caregivers.

Read at www.theguardian.com