Abusive Relationships Aren't Built on Codependency

"Trauma bonding is deliberately created by the perpetrator, not passively formed by the victim. The bond is engineered before abuse through grooming, trauma-sharing, and emotional manipulation. Attachment becomes the primary mechanism of control. Victims' attachment to perpetrators has often been mischaracterized as a symptom of a victim's dysfunction-something rooted in codependency, masochism, or learned helplessness. But these outdated frames blame survivors and obscure the role of the perpetrator in forming and sustaining attachment that serves as a tool of coercive control."

"Research from the University of Cambridge by myself and my colleagues (Lesiak & Gelsthorpe, 2025) shows that coercive control can be exerted not only through overt force or confinement but through strategic emotional manipulation that aims to weaponise attachment. The perpetrators used grooming, flattery, shared trauma disclosures, and calculated cycles of care and withdrawal to manufacture attachment before the abuse even began. This is not codependency; it's coercion disguised as connection."

"The attachment typically is actively engineered by the perpetrator, often through what emerged in the data as a "two-faced soulmate" pattern-an abuser who presents as attentive and loving while concealing control beneath charm. Participants in the study consistently described their partners as figures of contradiction. At first, he appeared magnetic: "Charming. Charming, charming. Very attractive. Always friendly. Always offering to buy a drink, so seemingly generous. Always very complimentary.""

Perpetrators deliberately engineer trauma bonds through grooming, flattery, shared trauma disclosures, and calculated cycles of care and withdrawal to weaponize attachment and maintain coercive control. Attachment becomes the primary mechanism of control and is established before physical abuse begins, often via a 'two-faced soulmate' presentation that masks controlling intent beneath charm. Outdated frames that label victims as codependent, masochistic, or helpless misattribute responsibility and obscure perpetrator strategies. Victims describe partners as contradictory figures who initially appear magnetic and attentive but later become secretive and emotionally distant, enabling sustained manipulation and control.

Read at Psychology Today