"When people talk about love, the conversation usually centers on its expression: how deeply we care, how consistently we show up and how devotedly we give ourselves to the people who matter. Giving love is, of course, an admirable skill composed of sensitivity, maturity and emotional intelligence. Learning to offer warmth without defensiveness, and generosity without expectation, is a milestone in anyone's personal development."
"What we often overlook in this conversation, however, is the ability to receive love. For many, especially those raised in environments where affection came with strings attached, love isn't experienced as a gift. Instead, it turns into a resource or reward earned through performance. As a result, approval, compliance and connection all become hoops they have to keep jumping through."
Four signs indicate an 'earned love' mindset that treats affection as something to be earned rather than freely received. The earned-love orientation often stems from upbringing in environments where affection carried strings, transforming love into a reward tied to performance. One clear sign is relationship-contingent self-esteem: self-worth becomes dependent on moment-to-moment partner feedback, producing emotional volatility, lower relationship satisfaction, and heightened sensitivity to rejection. In practice, compliments briefly elevate confidence while neutral cues can immediately trigger insecurity, causing self-esteem to fluctuate with interactions. These patterns undermine the capacity to accept unconditional care and create chronic relational strain.
Read at Psychology Today
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