"When couples come to us for therapy, they usually want the same thing: fewer fights, less hurt, more harmony. They imagine that the healthiest relationships are the ones with the least conflict. But that's not how love actually works. The goal isn't the absence of conflict (rupture)-it's how we use the conflict to repair-create and sustain meaningful connection. In our book, Love. Crash. Rebuild, we teach every couple two unexpectedly simple rules."
"When tension rises, most of us go straight into reflex mode: "You're making us late." "You're not listening." "You always do this." It's a natural human response. We feel uncomfortable, and we believe-wholeheartedly-that our partner is the source of our discomfort. But when we focus on our partner's behavior, it blinds us from seeing our own contributions to the issue at hand. Keeping the focus on yourself means pausing long enough to ask:"
Conflict in relationships is inevitable and functions as an opportunity for repair and deeper connection rather than something to eliminate. Two simple rules—keep the focus on yourself and refer to that rule—redirect attention from blame to personal responsibility. Reflexively blaming a partner obscures one’s own contributions and prolongs disconnection. Turning attention inward invites questions about current feelings, fears, defenses, and needs; that inward work is self-awareness rather than self-blame. Self-awareness creates the foundation for accountability, and meaningful repair happens when each partner owns their part and engages intentionally in reconnecting.
Read at Psychology Today
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