How do you care for an ageing parent when they want none of it? | Barry J Jacobs

"One evening as I was using my key to let myself into my mother's apartment for a visit, I glanced toward the kitchen table where she usually sat reading the newspaper and saw her rolling walker standing alone. Surprised, I said loudly: Where are you, Mom? Here, I heard her respond from her bedroom down the hall. I'm fine. On the floor next to her bed, I found her splayed out on her back. Did you fall? Are you hurt? I asked with rising panic. I'm fine, she repeated. It's comfortable here, she said, running her hand lightly over the cut-pile carpet."

"My thoughts went in several directions. As a clinical psychologist specializing in working with older adults and their family caregivers for two decades, I'd heard many stories of seniors lying where they'd fallen for hours or even days before being found. Why hadn't she used her walker to prevent her fall? She hated it, I knew, because it made her feel old, but a botched knee replacement surgery and bad arthritis had made her gait unsteady. Had she forgotten it in her kitchen because her thinking skills were declining, or decided to not use it when no one ie, me was watching? How long have you been here? I asked as I lifted her gently and guided her to a chair. It is the relationship between parent and child that determines whether their caregiving experience is hard but gratifying or full of conflict and regret"

An adult child discovered an elderly mother lying on her bedroom floor despite a nearby rolling walker and a medical-alert necklace. The mother insisted she was fine and described the carpet as comfortable. The caregiver, a clinical psychologist with long experience, worried about falls, device avoidance, embarrassment, and possible cognitive decline after knee surgery and arthritis that caused an unsteady gait. The caregiver questioned how long the mother had been down and why she did not use the alert. Caregiver concern about older adults' safety and device refusal is increasingly common, and parent-child relationship quality strongly influences caregiving outcomes.

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