"High-functioning people are rarely the ones we worry about. They're the steady hands in the room, the ones whose nervous systems appear almost immune to chaos, who metabolize disappointment before it spills into the air; they solve problems before emergencies arise. They have a structural composure reminiscent of architecture designed to withstand bad weather. They might demand much, but input even more, earning trust, and refusing to fracture."
"Attachment requires more than just composure. It deepens through signal and response: one nervous system revealing strain, then the other moving toward it. When emotional signals are consistently dampened before they're expressed (or worse - entirely hidden), the relational field recalibrates. Others stop scanning for cues and stop leaning in. The invitation, after all, is so faint it's barely legible."
High-functioning individuals often regulate emotions internally through strong top-down control, which stabilizes behavior and maintains performance. The prefrontal cortex modulates alarm systems, evaluating and contextualizing emotional surges before they affect actions, protecting careers, families, and reputations. Persistent self-containment mutes emotional signals that invite others to offer support, so partners stop scanning for cues and cease leaning in. The resulting solitary navigation of uncertainty accumulates an unwitnessed aloneness and reduces opportunities for shared regulation. Competence preserves composure but can undermine attachment and intimacy when needs are disciplined and responses go unelicited.
Read at Psychology Today
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