"Conflict aversion keeps many people from addressing matters that deserve attention. We all want to raise kids who are confident and who will speak up for themselves; that's why we encourage them to have a "voice." Having a voice is important, but so is having the discernment to know when you are effectively advocating for yourself, and when your voice of advocacy has become a voice of condescension or elitism."
"But by the end of the session, it becomes apparent to me that the girl is also very bossy. She's demanding and difficult to please. She makes very little accommodation to the needs or wishes of others. And her independence? Well, at times it feels to her mom more like detachment, a premature separation, as if her daughter is saying, "OK, thanks mom for all your parenting, I'll take it from here...""
Teens need honest yet kind feedback about behaviors, and adults must learn to deliver it without triggering defensiveness. Parents often seem ideal messengers but frequently lack skills to raise sensitive topics without starting arguments. Many people avoid necessary conversations because of conflict aversion. Encouraging children to have a voice must be paired with teaching discernment to know when advocacy becomes condescension. High-achieving adolescents can display confidence that appears as bossiness, detachment, or lack of accommodation for others. Parental pride can obscure social and emotional shortcomings, raising questions about the adolescent's capacity for generosity, patience, and relational success.
Read at Psychology Today
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