Stop Calling Them "Difficult"

"Don't get me wrong, some people can be challenging to work with, befriend, or live with, and many episodes of difficulty are situational or context-specific. An artist may become exacting about a vision. An intensive care nurse supervisor may be meticulous about standards of care. A basketball coach may push for excellence. High standards, per se, are not the problem. The problem arises when "difficult" becomes the baseline across roles and relationships, and when the label is used to shield consistent callousness from accountability."

"I am particular about mine. In the quest to execute a vision, I do not make people collateral damage to the art. Over years of teaching, research, and clinical conversations, I have watched clients excuse a leader's behavior by appealing to genius, tears running down their faces as they describe how vicious or demeaning that genius was in pursuit of a goal."

"Opening night is two weeks away. The director calls a spacing rehearsal at 7 a.m., then walks in at 8:10 with coffee and a sigh. A principal misses a traffic pattern. He pauses the room, steps to center, and delivers a speech about excellence that sounds like mentorship until the line lands: "Try keeping up for once." The principal nods and apologizes, eyes wet."

The term "difficult" often functions as a euphemism for narcissism and abusive conduct, allowing speakers to avoid more accurate, evocative descriptions that could get them in trouble. Some people are challenging in specific contexts, and high standards can be legitimate in art, healthcare, and sport. The problem arises when difficult becomes the default across roles and relationships, shielding consistent callousness from accountability. Standards must not override treating people as human beings. Artistic vision should not make people collateral damage, and the trope of genius-as-permission facilitates excusing vicious or demeaning leadership.

Read at Psychology Today