Explaining Covert Narcissistic Abuse When They Can't Relate

"Explaining covert narcissistic abuse to someone who has never experienced it can be especially difficult, even if they mean well and are trying to help. Much of what is available online oversimplifies covert narcissism or groups behavioral patterns of both overt and covert narcissism into a single concept. Covert narcissism shows up distinctly from the loud and brash behavior most people associate with narcissists. Its patterns are often subtle and can be mistaken for shyness or humility."

"If a person has not experienced covert narcissistic abuse, it can be almost impossible to grasp. To outsiders, covert narcissists appear shy, kind, prefer "humble brags" over brash attention, can be incredibly endearing and charming, and may appear selfless. Because of this, well-meaning friends and family might dismiss a survivor's lived experiences, reducing the relationship to a simple breakup, that things were not "that bad," or that the survivor is exaggerating."

Covert narcissism manifests through subtle, inward behaviors that contrast with stereotypical loud narcissism, often resembling shyness or humility while driven by manipulation, control, entitlement, and lack of emotional empathy. Outsiders can misread covert narcissists as kind, charming, or selfless, leading friends and family to dismiss survivors' reports as exaggeration or ordinary breakups. Dismissive responses reinforce victim-blaming and silence survivors. Covert narcissists strategically mirror vulnerabilities and offer calculated compliments and gestures to meet targets' unmet needs for safety, belonging, and esteem. Abuse commonly intensifies when survivors set boundaries or end relationships, so noticing withdrawal or overreactions is crucial to support survivors.

Read at Psychology Today