"There is a grain of truth in the phrase. If your child resists-crying, yelling, begging, refusing-and you eventually give in, you've reinforced the behavior. Psychologist Gerald Patterson called this the coercive cycle: A child escalates, the parent backs down, and both sides unintentionally teach each other patterns that make future conflicts worse."
"At first, they saw it as defiance. But after journaling and noticing patterns, they realized something crucial: Josh wasn't refusing on purpose. He simply lacked the skills-flexibility, frustration tolerance, emotional regulation -to stop abruptly and shift gears. Children aren't plotting against us. Much of what looks like defiant or oppositional behavior is really a skill gap, not a character flaw."
Power struggles with children commonly follow a coercive cycle: a child escalates, a parent backs down, and both reinforce unhelpful patterns. Interpreting resistance as willful defiance often misunderstands underlying skill gaps such as limited flexibility, poor frustration tolerance, and immature emotional regulation. Repeated capitulation teaches children that escalation works and increases future conflicts. Framing children as adversaries or “terrorists” creates a win-lose dynamic that hinders problem-solving. Identifying patterns, journaling behaviors, and focusing on teaching the missing skills can reduce meltdowns and improve transitions, attendance, and cooperation over time.
Read at Psychology Today
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