Why Comings and Goings Can Be Scary

"In childhood, other people decided our comings and goings. We were just moved to a new address, or they moved out and left us. Comings and goings were thereby associated with powerlessness. Comings and goings were associated with top-down decisions, confusion, and scary abandonments, making it very understandable that this would always be an anxiety-producing part of life."

"In full adulthood, you take leave of the safe nest your parents provide and become an individual rather than a replica of them. You face the danger of going. Their opinion can no longer be authoritative over your choices. These are our two adult tasks: to go and to be. The first task of maturity is to go, with all the challenge, fear, danger, and difficulty that may entail."

"What scares you in your own adult comings and goings? Consider the following three elements: First, you go out, leaving the familiar behind; second, you are on the journey, in the process of going, facing the unknown; third, you arrive somewhere. These are all areas of distress, each of which, from the Roman perspective, would have required its own god."

Childhood comings and goings were controlled by others, creating associations with powerlessness, abandonment, and anxiety. Adults carry fears of losing approval when leaving, rejection upon arrival, and abandonment upon return. Maturity requires two tasks: going (leaving the safe nest and becoming an individual) and being (taking a stand regardless of approval). Transitions involve three distinct phases: leaving the familiar, journeying through the unknown, and arriving at a new place. Each phase triggers different anxieties rooted in childhood experiences. Understanding these three elements of transition—crossing thresholds, traveling between them, and entering new worlds—helps address the distress associated with adult comings and goings.

Read at Psychology Today