What My Son Learned the Day My Car Was Repossessed

"Everyone talks about "teaching moments" these days, those reframes of a shared experience that retroactively rescue what would otherwise have been a feel-bad moment or awkward encounter and turn it into something positive, and for which you're almost grateful. Still, most teaching moments are fraught with the best of intentions but the lousiest of outcomes-lessons in how to lecture, bore, and patronize your child at the same time."

"A mother admonishes her 13-year-old daughter for not inviting her cousin to her birthday party. "But mom, she can never talk to any of my friends and she's always off by herself and it's just really awkward for both of us," her daughter explains. "She begged me not to invite her because her mother will make her go if I do," she adds. "I don't care," the mother responds. "Invite her anyway," she implores, launching into a speech about the importance of inclusion."

""I had a very special teaching moment with Kari today," the mother says to her husband that night. He nods, encouragingly, without even having heard the story. But was it really? What did her daughter learn, exactly? I think Kari's biggest take-away was probably that her mother didn't respect her and her cousin's feelings and could not grasp the reality that mixing friend groups in middle school can sometimes be disastrous."

Many 'teaching moments' begin with good intentions but end up lecturing, boring, and patronizing children. A mother insists her 13-year-old invite an awkward cousin, dismissing the child's social concerns and the cousin's discomfort. The exchange reveals that forced inclusion can disrespect both the child's and cousin's feelings and that mixing friend groups in middle school can cause real social problems. Dependents gain reassurance from adults who remain composed during unexpected setbacks. Children learn from how adults handle problems and how adults move forward afterward. Surrendering control in some situations does not necessarily diminish adult dignity.

Read at Psychology Today