This Trauma Expert Says No Siblings Have The Same Childhood

"One night, over some wine, my sister and I had a very real, honest conversation about our parents. We loved our mom and dad, of course, but we, like any kid, had a gripe or two. As we chatted, my sister was recounting times that I could never even remember happening in our house, but (according to her), I was there."

"Author and trauma expert, Gabor Maté, says this is totally normal. While chatting with self-help guru Mel Robbins on her podcast, Maté noted that no two siblings grow up in the same family, despite growing up in the same house with the exact same parents. "No siblings grow up in the same house. No siblings have the same parents. No siblings have the same family. No siblings have the same childhood," he says before breaking down the four major ways that this phenomenon occurs."

"Gender differences This one stings a little, but it's true. Typically, boys and girls are treated differently in a household. This is how we ended up with an entire culture of toxic boy moms. Maté assures that this has nothing to do with how much love a parent has for a child, but rather "what actually happens." "The child doesn't experience the parents' love. The child experiences the way the parent shows up," he says."

Siblings raised in the same home often remember and experience childhood very differently. Differences emerge from birth order effects, with firstborns receiving distinct parenting compared with later children. Gender influences treatment, producing different expectations and behaviors for boys versus girls. Changes in parents' relationship status and the evolving way parents show up also alter each child's experience. Children do not experience parental love abstractly; they experience the concrete ways parents behave toward them. These factors combine so that each sibling effectively has a unique family and childhood.

Read at Scary Mommy