I Took in My Four Grandkids After a Tragic Accident. I Wasn't Prepared for What Life Would Be Like a Decade Later.

"The kids have never been great about helping with the household chores, but now some flatly refuse to do anything unless given money. We've only ever asked for help with the dishes, laundry, bathrooms, sweeping floors, caring for their pet. (I don't even look into their bedrooms.) We ask for assistance and are told "OK" only to find the task undone the next day."

"How can we make them understand that there is a trade-off between the all-expenses-paid existence-complete with "chauffeur," cooking, medical/dental, money for hobbies, etc., that we've provided to them all along? In my opinion, they are failing to live up to their end of our tacit bargain that we would try to help them as a family. I feel like I'm running a hotel for them at this point."

"For them, life feels transactional. But being part of a family is more than shelling out money for chores. So, it's time to make the implicit explicit. That means calling a family meeting where you lay out the new rules of the household. Sit everyone down and pull out a written chore chart. Make it clear: This isn't a negotiation."

Grandparents took in four grandchildren after parents' deaths and have cared for them for ten years while one grandparent continues to work. The teenagers have largely refused routine household chores and some demand money to help, creating ongoing conflict. The household provides full support including transportation, meals, medical and hobby funds. The recommended response is to make expectations explicit with a family meeting and a written chore chart. Rules should be nonnegotiable: contribute to household tasks, complete homework, and treat family members respectfully. Enforce consequences for failure to comply and clarify that living in the home requires participation.

Read at Slate Magazine