Does Your Child Remind You of Your Ex?

"Parents feel embarrassed about this but frequently feel like their child's less-than-desirable qualities mimic their ex's. Conversely, I rarely hear parents attributing their children's positive qualities to the good behavior/ intelligence/ personality of their exes. In therapy, I recently heard the following scenarios. Consider whether you see yourself in any of these, and then we will discuss how to adjust your thinking and actions toward your children."

"A mother of a 5-year-old girl described how when her child comes home from spending time with her father, she seems to look more like the father. It's unlikely, but she believes this. So far, she has restrained herself from saying anything like "You remind me of your father," but she is always worried that she is on the verge of these sorts of statements. The child has attentional problems, and as you have likely surmised, so does the father."

"A mother of a 22-year-old loves her son but has recently noticed that when he gets upset, he has a facial expression that reminds her of her ex when he was about to insult her during the course of the marriage. She has told the child, in moments of anger, that he shares DNA with his father. Clearly, this has negatively impacted their relationship, and she hasn't heard from her son in two weeks."

Comparing children to former partners often causes emotional harm, strained relationships, and avoidance by the child. The behavior tends to surface during periods of increased contact, such as holidays, and parents more readily attribute negative traits to the ex while overlooking positive influences. Specific clinical examples show parents warning, labeling, or joking about inherited traits, which increases shame and distance. Parents sometimes verbally link a child's difficulties to an ex’s known problems, worsening trust and communication. Prioritizing empathy, support, and separating a child's identity from a parent's history promotes healthier attachments and improved parent-child relationships.

Read at Psychology Today