Two major paternal behaviors can unintentionally encourage children to become people-pleasers. One behavior involves demanding that children feel and express constant gratitude for everything a partner does, which can create guilt and shame when a child's needs or dislikes emerge. Children may suppress legitimate upset out of obligation to appear appreciative. A healthier alternative is to model appreciation privately toward the partner through verbal affirmation, hugs, and connection separate from the children. The second behavior involves instructing children with departure commands when leaving for work, which can similarly pressure children to perform pleasing behaviors rather than express honest feelings.
"There are two ways that dads can accidentally promote people pleasing in their kids. I'm going to tell you the behavior, the intention, and the impact of the behavior, and then what to do instead," she beings.
"The issue is that they're doing it to the kids about the other parent, and the impact of that is that it can create guilt in the kid. If the kid wants more, they may feel guilty because we need to be grateful for everything we have. If what mom is doing isn't good enough for me, if she's doing something that I don't like, I am as a kid, am I allowed to be upset?"
"It's just to model it with the wife, with the mom. 'Sweetheart, you do so much for us. I love you so much.' And give her a hug and connect, separate from the kids. That's just modeling it. That's all you have to do," she says.
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