"Chris and Andrea, parents of 8-year-old Josh, were overwhelmed by his defiance-refusing, screaming, breaking things, hitting-and it was causing them to fight. Andrea thought Chris was too harsh. He thought she was too soft. They felt like bad parents, and resentment was building. If your child's behavior is defiant at times, you've probably been here, too. (Note: If the conflicts in your family are placing anyone at harm, please seek professional help immediately.)"
"Perhaps you felt overlooked while a challenging sibling disrupted family life. Or you were challenging and still carry scars from fights with your parents and the shame of being labeled a "problem child." These experiences create powerful triggers. The intense emotions feel real and present, but they're echoes from the past. In this activated state, you might experience your partner's firm limits as the harsh discipline of your "my way or the highway" parent. Or you might see your partner's empathy as the permissiveness that never held your sibling accountable."
Defiant child behavior creates intense stress that commonly occurs at inconvenient times and fuels parental conflict. Past childhood experiences, such as feeling overlooked or being labeled a "problem child," become powerful emotional triggers during these episodes. Activated triggers make present partner behaviors feel like old parental dynamics, turning limits into harsh discipline or empathy into permissiveness. Parents may try to "protect" the child from the other parent's approach, escalating fights and resentment. Preparing in advance, like firefighters do, and journaling about defiant episodes can reveal patterns and triggers, allowing parents to plan responses and reduce reactivity. Seek professional help if anyone is at risk.
Read at Psychology Today
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