Our Driverless Cars Are More Human Than Ever

When product testers told us that our robo-cars "lacked humanity" and felt like "soulless, uncanny harbingers of doom," we listened, and updated our software to make your driving experience feel more human than ever before. This realization prompted a software update aimed at improving the driving experience, addressing concerns that the driverless vehicles seemed too mechanical and less personable. The changes were made to make it so that next time you encounter reckless driving, it might not be a human at all.

When it comes to defensive driving, we believe that the best defense is a good offense-and thanks to your valuable feedback, nothing is more offensive than our human-inspired driverless vehicles. New advanced driver-assistance settings include options that mimic aggressive human behavior, such as "Driving Too Slow in the Fast Lane" and pelting through red lights, providing drivers with features that cater to human instincts to drive more aggressively, all in a manner that feels inherently human.

Zipper merging is the most efficient way to reduce traffic backups, but because the method is anathema to most American drivers we've trained our robo-cars to dart forward in herky-jerky motions while repeatedly slamming on the brakes until someone lets them cut in line. This programming choice reflects an understanding of human driving behaviors, highlighting how these vehicles can exhibit less optimal driving techniques in line with human frustrations and tendencies, ultimately prioritizing the driver's emotional responses over traffic efficiency.

We know that quick response times and communication are important, and it can be difficult to interact with other drivers when you're watching a movie or in the midst of a siesta. That's why our upgraded alert system automatically blares a train horn at 150 dBs if the vehicle ahead of you fails to speed off within 0.28 seconds of the traffic light turning green. This feature epitomizes the frustration often felt by impatient drivers, reminding them that their safety and convenience are prioritized through a human-like impatience.

Read at The New Yorker