Why Do I Miss Someone Who Hurt Me?

Emotional attachment can persist even when someone is repeatedly harmed. Victims may still long for the person causing harm, miss them intensely after separation, and feel pulled back despite recognizing the harm. Some perpetrators shape emotional bonds to maintain control, using affection, intimacy, vulnerability, and emotional connection strategically. Emotional withdrawal can also be used to reinforce dependence and make disengagement harder. Missing someone who caused harm does not mean the harm was wanted or acceptable. Coercive control can operate through emotional connection rather than only fear or intimidation. Research and practical resources aim to help professionals recognize attachment-based coercive control, identify non-physical abuse patterns earlier, and avoid victim-blaming assumptions.

"Many people assume that victims of abuse remain with perpetrators because they are financially dependent, physically trapped, or too afraid to leave. For many victims, these factors do play a role, but emotional attachment can also become a force binding victims to perpetrators. They may still long for the person harming them, miss them intensely after separation, or feel pulled back despite recognising the harm being done to them. This often leads to a painful and confusing question: Why do I miss someone who hurt me?"

"Research from the University of Cambridge suggests that perpetrators may actively shape and use emotional bonds as a form of coercive control. This process, termed weaponised attachment, describes how affection, intimacy, vulnerability, and emotional connection can be strategically used to bind victims to perpetrators and make disengagement increasingly difficult. In this dynamic, emotional closeness becomes part of the mechanism that keeps victims connected even when harm continues."

"In collaboration with The Pixel Project, an international non-profit organisation dedicated to ending violence against women, this research is now being translated into a white paper and practical toolkit designed to help professionals to better recognise attachment-based coercive control, identify non-physical patterns of abuse earlier, and respond to victims without reinforcing harmful victim-blaming assumptions. The project aims to provide practical guidance for frontline practitioners."

"Coercive control can operate through emotional connection, not only fear or intimidation. Some perpetrators use affection, vulnerability, and emotional withdrawal to maintain control. Missing someone who caused harm does not mean the harm was wanted or acceptable. These patterns can keep victims emotionally tethered while abuse continues."

Read at Psychology Today