The Contingencies of Grief

"In writing this book, it would have been inauthentic to write with the intention of teaching lessons about grieving; it needed to be focused on the grieving journey. As the book took shape and lessons were pondered, I elected to invite Olivia Michael and Edbury Enegren (2025) to write a section on lessons on grieving from the book. One of the most salient factors they identified, which resonated with my own experience, was the contingencies of grief."

"Contingent refers to something that is dependent upon, conditioned by, or connected with a prior condition or event (Mirriam-Webster, n.d.). The grieving process can throw us into facing our existence in profound ways. Yet, it is common to resist many of these contingencies out of fear that we are dishonoring the deceased, avoiding the grief, or being selfish. The reflections on these contingencies, however, can be an essential part of grieving and a type of existential gift."

A father's death prompted letter-writing that explored personal grief, adjacent losses, and existential reflections, ultimately evolving into a book. The writing prioritized the grieving journey over teaching lessons and incorporated collaboration that emphasized contingencies of grief. Contingencies are conditions dependent on prior events; grieving can force confrontation with existence in profound ways. Many resist contemplating these contingencies from fear of dishonoring the deceased, avoiding grief, or appearing selfish. Reflection on these contingencies can become an essential part of grieving and function as an existential gift that enriches life and self-understanding.

Read at Psychology Today