Seeing Ourselves in What Happens or in How People Affect Us

"Some actions by others toward us or by events evoke a reaction simply because of what they are. At other times, we might have a reaction that seems bigger than the interaction or event warrants or hangs on and eats away at us. Perhaps it is then pointing to something unnoticed in ourselves. We can do our best to S.E.E. what is going on:"

"Is this my Shadow? Our shadow is the part of ourselves that we do not notice but that we project onto others. It is our negative shadow if we see unacceptable or mean traits or behaviors in others and imagine they are not also possible-or even occasionally activated-in us. We can ask if what has upset us is similar to our own hidden, disavowed, or unnoticed self and vow to acknowledge it. This is how we befriend our shadow side."

"Is this my Ego? Our ego can be so inflated that we are overly sensitive to others' reactions to us. We are aroused to fury or indignation when our greatness is not honored, when we are called on our shortcomings, when we are shown to be wrong, when we are not granted full control, or even when we are given well-meaning feedback. Then we become defensive and want to lash out."

"Is this my Early life? Our unfinished business from childhood may come to the fore when someone reminds us of how one of our parents treated us. The manner of an authority figure today may be reminiscent of how our father came at us in childhood. The curtness of someone toward us may remind us of how little time our mother had for us."

Strong emotional reactions sometimes directly reflect external events, while other reactions exceed the trigger and reveal inner dynamics. Three internal sources to examine are shadow (disowned qualities projected onto others), ego (wounded self demanding honor, control, and defensiveness), and early-life transference (current people or situations reactivating unmet childhood experiences). Identifying which source operates enables inward responsibility: acknowledge disowned traits, calm and accept the ego's fallibility, and name transference to remain present. Clues include intense blaming for shadow, urges to retaliate for ego, and resemblance to parental treatment for early-life wounds.

Read at Psychology Today