"When I'm sober, attention from men feels scary. I need someone who makes me feel safe and that often only comes with time. And I get too nervous approaching people at parties, bars, anywhere. When I'm drunk though, it's a 180: I'm confident, I'm sensual, I'm comfortable being touched and flirting and getting raunchy. But I don't want to have to keep resorting to a bottle to feel comfortable with someone touching me."
"If you've been in therapy for years and haven't made any progress, SOBER, you need to change therapists or you need to accept that things you've been working on in therapy - your paralyzing-when-sober insecurity and your lingering (and perfectly reasonable) fear of male sexual attention - probably aren't going to change. And if those things aren't gonna change, SOBER, you'll have to learn to work around them."
Trans man and sexual assault survivor experiences intense sober anxiety around male attention and approaching potential partners. Alcohol or drugs reliably lower inhibitions, enabling confidence, sensuality, and comfort with touch and flirtation. Long-term therapy has not resolved paralyzing sober insecurity, suggesting need to change therapists or accept persistent limits and develop workarounds. Thoughtful, cautious, and strategic use of substances can reduce harm when relied upon, while recognizing that needing a drink before social-sexual interactions does not automatically indicate substance abuse. Practical strategies include safer planning, selecting repeat partners, and prioritizing clear consent and personal safety.
Read at Portland Mercury
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