Inner Death: The Death We Don't Talk About

"When I was 14, I remember standing in the bathroom washing my face and arguing with my mother. I do not remember what I said, probably something nasty. I used to be very straightforward and say things as they were, without filters. Something must have triggered her, and she started to hit me with something I do not remember. What I do remember is that my body and mind shut down. I got numb emotionally."

"It was not that I was overwhelmed physically; it was as if my mind stepped away. I got numb emotionally. I did not feel pain at all. Everything slowed down for a moment. I saw myself in the mirror, and I remember saying, "You can hit me to death. I will not cry anymore." After that, she never raised a hand to me again. I felt like something died in me."

"This is known as a nervous system shutdown. When a child cannot escape danger, the body protects itself by numbing emotion and entering a freeze response. This is a survival adaptation (Schauer & Elbert, 2015). This is also an identity breakdown: the moment the child self learns, "Who I am is not safe here." Many adults carry this moment without knowing it. It shows up later as over-functioning, emotional distance, or the feeling that closeness costs too much."

At fourteen, a confrontation with the mother escalated into physical abuse, triggering a dissociative shutdown marked by emotional numbness and detachment. The narrator experienced a momentary separation of mind from body, absence of pain, slowed perception, and a resolve to stop showing vulnerability. The incident ended physical aggression but left a profound sense of loss: the death of safety and trust. Childhood loneliness compounded the impact, including early paternal loss and feelings of being alone within the family. The physiological response is described as a nervous system shutdown—a freeze survival adaptation—and an identity breakdown that later appears as over-functioning, emotional distance, or fearing closeness.

Read at Psychology Today