"Whenever someone says or does something that on the face of it seems unhelpful, I always think: What is the motivation here? And I do believe your motivation is one of caring for your daughter. Maybe it's easier to say you're worried about her by focusing those worries horticulturally, but there are a fair number of loaded words in your letter: privately owned,the only one, prized, disappointed, single mum, ashamed."
"What are you really worried about? What's her house like? How does she run her life? Are her sons, your grandsons, well cared for? I ask not to heap more judgment on to her or you but to see if she is depressed or needs help. Or whether this really is just about a messy garden. Your daughter is right that gardens can be a wildlife haven and, of course, if it works for her then it works."
A middle-aged woman maintains an overgrown front garden, citing eco-friendly reasons and wild flowers while letting grass and plants remain untended. The garden obstructs light and the path, causing family embarrassment and neighbour concern. Family members worry about underlying motivations and whether the situation reflects wellbeing or caregiving problems for her children. Loaded language increases perceived judgment and may not address core concerns. Consider whether garden neglect indicates depression or need for support. Replace criticism with openness and curiosity, acknowledge that wild gardens can support wildlife, and engage gently to assess needs and offer practical help.
Read at www.theguardian.com
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