If Trying to Change Yourself Isn't Working, Here's Why

"When I was training as a therapist, I learned the theories of healing that I was expected to know. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) both appealed to me and rubbed me the wrong way. (CBT is a therapy that focuses on changing unhelpful thoughts and behaviors into more adaptive, helpful ones.) On one hand, it offered structure and practical tools. On the other hand, language like core schemas made people sound like science projects, and cognitive distortions often felt shaming to me."

"Another of the individual-oriented models I was taught, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) resonated more. Albert Ellis's irreverence-"musterbation" and "don't should on yourself" referring to "I should" and "I must" thoughts-was refreshing. Ellis called unhelpful beliefs irrational, which I could tolerate more than distorted. At least irrational left room for context and sounded just a tad less judgey to me."

"Over time, I noticed a pattern. Most people learned their influential self-beliefs in response to pain, loss, or unpredictability. Emotional reactivity-those immediate, involuntary responses like a sudden rush of shame, a spike in anger, or tears that arrive without warning-rarely came from deliberate thinking. Instead, they seemed to emerge from something present but unconscious, such as protective defenses or lightning-fast interpretations formed long before conscious thought could intervene."

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy provides structure and practical tools but its framing (terms like core schemas and cognitive distortions) can feel mechanistic and shaming. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy uses irreverence and labels unhelpful beliefs irrational, allowing more contextual understanding and tolerance. A central clinical question concerns whether thoughts precede emotions. Emotional reactivity—sudden shame, spikes of anger, or unexpected tears—typically arises from unconscious, learned self-beliefs formed in response to pain, loss, or unpredictability. Immediate emotional responses are driven by protective defenses and rapid, preconscious interpretations, indicating therapeutic work must address underlying emotional processes as well as cognitions.

Read at Psychology Today