I apologise too much, and it annoys everyone around me. How can I stop? | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

"I'm a woman in my late 30s who, since childhood, has thought it vital to be polite to those around me, including saying sorry when I feel I've done something wrong. While I have a happy and fulfilling life, I've always had very low self-confidence. This combination of wanting to acknowledge others appropriately and constantly doubting myself has turned me into a person who apologises a great deal. Often, it happens so fast I'm not even conscious of it."

"It is definitely coming from a place of anxiety and has affected my personal and professional life. It drives my loved ones and colleagues mad, and then it drives me mad that they point it out only making me more anxious about it. It is a particular problem when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of others."

"I am an early-career academic specialising in politics, so speaking confidently is important. I have been trying to fix this by exposure therapy, teaching classes and forcing myself to ask any question I can at public events despite numerous public humiliations by established male academics. I have also tried to consider pausing before speaking, so I am more aware of when I'm apologising, but that will only work initially before I fall off the wagon again."

A woman in her late 30s learned from childhood to prioritise politeness, routinely saying sorry when she perceives fault. Despite a happy life, she experiences persistent low self-confidence and frequent, often automatic apologies driven by anxiety. This pattern has harmed personal and professional relationships, increased self-consciousness when others point it out, and especially impairs public speaking and asking questions. She uses written notes, exposure through teaching and public questions, and deliberate pausing to try to reduce apologies. Repeated negative experiences with senior male academics have reinforced anxiety. She accepts low self-liking but seeks practical ways to stop excessive apologising and considers therapy.

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