How Shame and Self-Blame Impact Relationships

"In childhood, we lack the emotional and cognitive maturity to fully understand the harm that comes from those we depend on for safety and love. To cope with fear, helplessness, and confusion, many of us blamed ourselves. This self-blame can create a false sense of control in a chaotic environment and allows us to preserve an emotional bond with caregivers, even if those caregivers are also the source of harm."

"The oldest of four, she took responsibility for making sure they were fed and clothed before sending them to the bus stop each morning. Her parents frequently used substances, leaving the children alone most days. Paige thought she was doing a good job hiding the neglect and abuse they experienced at home, so she felt blindsided when a teacher made a report to child protection."

Paige became the primary caregiver for her siblings while parents used substances, managing daily needs and hiding signs of neglect. A teacher's report prompted social-worker visits that taught the children to conceal problems and distrust outsiders. The experience left Paige carrying trauma and heavy guilt for failing to protect her siblings. Children often blame themselves for abuse because they lack the emotional and cognitive tools to grasp harm from caregivers. Self-blame can create a false sense of control and preserve attachment to caregivers despite harm. Identifying these survival-rooted behaviors enables survivors to gradually unlearn maladaptive patterns and rebuild healthier relationships.

Read at Psychology Today