Growing up, Bianca could never predict her father's moods: the disorientation of an emotionally immature parent echoed into her adulthood

"Bianca* sat across from me in therapy, knees drawn in, voice shaky. I just feel like I'm always bracing for something, she said, eyes flicking toward her phone. She wasn't expecting a call, but we both knew who she was referring to: Her father. Growing up, Bianca could never predict what mood he'd be in. Jovial one day, explosive the next. Sometimes I'd just hear the tone of his voice and my body would start buzzing, she told me."

"I see this dynamic often; adults wrestling with anxiety, perfectionism, chronic guilt or emotional suppression, shaped by the unpredictable storms of emotionally immature parents. Bianca, like many adults I see in therapy, had spent most of her life trying to decode and contain the emotional chaos of a parent who could barely manage his own inner world. Her father was unpredictable and reactive."

"Emotional immaturity, by contrast, is a persistent pattern of self-absorption, emotional reactivity and lack of insight. In a parent, this can lead to emotional neglect, boundary violations and unpredictable reactions. Growing up with emotionally immature parents is disorienting. You learn early to read the room before you read yourself. The nervous system becomes fine-tuned to danger. It waits for the next outburst, the next icy silence, the next unexpected storm."

Unpredictable, reactive parental behavior trains children to monitor and manage a parent's emotions, fostering hypervigilance and anticipatory fear. Such upbringing promotes anxiety, perfectionism, chronic guilt and emotional suppression, and can unravel adults when a parent's mood shifts. Emotional immaturity involves self-absorption, reactivity and limited insight, producing neglect, boundary violations and inconsistent demands for closeness. The nervous system adapts by waiting for outbursts or icy silences, leading to questioning one's reality and minimised or ignored needs. Many children learn to repress feelings, prioritise others' emotional states, and struggle to express needs or trust their perceptions.

Read at www.theguardian.com