"Last month, I sent one of the hardest emails I've written all year. It was a request asking my gym to pause my membership. I stared at the screen longer than I wanted to admit before hitting send. For nearly 15 years, working out has been a constant in my life. Cancelling felt like breaking up with a part of myself."
"For as long as I can remember, my body was something other people noticed before I did. I'm one of three sisters, all close in age. Growing up, the easiest way for extended family to identify me was by pointing out my chubbiness. Some family members called me bulldozer or fluffy, and I convinced myself it was affectionate. But as I got older, the comments stopped feeling cute."
"By 12, I was wearing my mother's tops while my sisters shopped in the teen aisle. I learned early that taking up space, physically or otherwise, came with commentary. As a child, movement was joyful. I loved skipping rope, biking and climbing jungle gyms at recess. I was always moving. Even in high school, I tried hard in gym class and happily participated in competitions, even if I never came first."
A long-term workout routine provided sustained physical power but contributed to mental health issues. Monthly gym payments continued for months despite intentions to stop, until a partner intervened and the membership was paused rather than cancelled. Childhood body-focused comments and nicknames like 'bulldozer' or 'fluffy' shaped self-image, and clothing differences at age 12 reinforced feeling noticed for size. Movement was joyful in childhood, with skipping rope, biking and playground play. Effort continued through high school gym classes and competitions, even without winning. The decision to pause the membership felt like losing a part of oneself.
Read at www.cbc.ca
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