Adaptation Trap: Why Children of Narcissists Lose Themselves

"One sign you grew up with a narcissistic parent is that you were never allowed to think something was wrong with them or their parenting. The only permitted conclusion was that something was wrong with you. Of course, children growing up with such a message inherit a heavy mix of shame, a guilt they can't place, and an anger they learned to swallow. As a child of narcissistic parents, you might be great at achieving things, but feel empty doing it."

"People throw the word "narcissist" around a lot. But, in this case, we're talking about a specific pattern. Researchers describe it as a form of "pathological parenting" where the parent views the child as a "natural extension of themselves" (Mahoney, Rickspoone, & Hull, 2016). At their core, narcissistic parents are often deeply insecure. They have a fragile sense of self and feel background shame. They are, ironically, dependent, as they look for something outside themselves to lean on, to stabilize their own shaky worth."

"To such parents, the child is not a separate person with their own emerging world. The child is seen in one of three ways: as a mere extension of the parent, like an extra limb; as a function, there to perform and make the parent look good; or as a half-animate object, used to regulate the parent's own self-esteem. The child serves a "particular function in this made-up world," and failing to fulfill it creates "distress in the parent, and contempt in the parent-child relationship""

Children raised by narcissistic parents are taught to blame themselves while the parent avoids accountability, resulting in persistent shame, misplaced guilt, and suppressed anger. Such children often become high achievers who nevertheless feel empty and anxious, and they experience relationships as performative, confusing, or precarious. Narcissistic parenting is a form of pathological parenting in which the parent regards the child as an extension, a function, or an object to regulate the parent's esteem. Narcissistic parents are often insecure, dependent on external validation, and prone to emotional, aggressive, or unpredictable reactions when the child fails to meet the imposed role.

Read at Psychology Today