This is how we do it: Her work crush led to us having clinging-on-for-dear-life sex'

"A couple of years ago, Darya and I had a crisis in our relationship. I developed an infatuation with a colleague, a woman who made me feel nervous and insecure, in a way I never had with Darya. I started to question whether I'd ever been attracted to Darya, because she had only ever made me feel loved and comfortable I never felt that stomach-churning excitement and uncertainty we associate with desire."

"Darya and I got together 20 years ago, but were friends first. Sex was fun and pleasurable, but it was our conversations and emotional connection that really made me fall in love with her. As the years went by, sex became something I did to keep things ticking along. Part of the problem was that we both lacked sexual confidence. The early 90s was not a great time to be a gay teenager in the UK. I can remember my mother making homophobic comments about women who she suspected of being lesbians."

"But when I confessed to Darya about my attraction to my colleague, we were finally forced to confront the issues with our sex life. One turning point was when I asked Darya to slow down. What if the degree to which a lover makes you feel panicked and sick isn't the best way of measuring attraction? When we have sex now, we start by spending time just lying side by side, stroking each other's bodies and seeing where that takes us. Romantic movies train you to think of sex as an uncontrollable urge that just possesses you, but Darya and I have learned how to build desire that is no less strong for being consciously cultivated."

A crisis emerged when one partner developed an infatuation with a colleague, prompting doubts about attraction within the long-term relationship. The couple had been together twenty years after a friendship began, with emotional intimacy outweighing spontaneous passion. Sex became routine due to mutual sexual insecurity and cultural homophobia in their youth. Confession of the infatuation forced confrontation and changed their sexual approach. They intentionally slowed sex, prioritized touch and closeness, and practiced building desire deliberately. The relationship now balances safety and desire, showing that conscious cultivation and communication can rekindle sexual connection without panic-driven passion.

Read at www.theguardian.com