"Certain contractual terms oblige my oldest sons to periodically appear at their places of employment. On rare occasions they both go in on the same day. On this particular day, my wife and the dog are also out. I'm alone in the house. I'm lingering over lunch because, why not? when my phone pings in my pocket. It's a text from my bank. Your address has been updated, it reads. If you didn't make this request I think: I certainly didn't. please contact us urgently."
"I return to my office shed and locate the helpline number on the bank's website. A robot asks me to speak my reason for calling aloud. You told me to call you, I say. This is not satisfactory. I am given a list of acceptable reasons. I say No to all of them. When I've exhausted this branch of inquiry, I'm asked to input a bunch of identifying numbers using the keypad. Once I've completed this, the bank hangs up on me."
"Gareth has clearly been given training in dealing with confused old people he speaks very slowly, and treats everything I say with a blank earnestness I ring the number again, rephrasing my reason for calling and speaking very slowly. I'm asked if, instead of hold music, I would prefer a soothing tone. I choose hold music, because I want to remain exactly as irritated as I am right now. I soon regret this choice."
The narrator is alone at home when a bank text notifies that the address has been updated without their request. The narrator calls the bank helpline and encounters an automated system that requests a spoken reason, offers a limited list of acceptable reasons, and then requires keypad entry of identifying numbers. After submitting information the call is disconnected. A second call leads to long hold music, a slow, earnest agent who attempts a transfer, and awkward pauses and garbled communication. Repeated interruptions and recorded messages prevent swift resolution of the suspected fraudulent address change.
Read at www.theguardian.com
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