"Can the U.S. men's basketball team win yet another gold medal or will they settle for gold? Can Michael Phelps defeat his goatee once and for all? Can Cambodia "lose" if it never competes? Should the official mascot of the Olympics be "Wenlock the One-Eyed Flibbertigibbet" or "Stinky Sam"? Where is Palau? Will "toplessness" scare viewers away from women's beach volleyball? Will Madagascar's success at the box office translate to Olympic gold?"
"Is this the Olympics with ice hockey? What if American swimmers stop after fifty yards instead of swimming fifty meters, even though American pools are also fifty meters? Wouldn't that be odd? Who will win in the Subway sandwich commercial? Will Kristi Yamaguchi miss her fifteenth consecutive Summer Olympics? Are gymnasts really short or are televisions really "tall"? Is China still doing that thing where all their athletes are really good?"
"LeBron now vs. LeBron four years ago: Who is older? Kerri Strug: Myth or fake? Is Hideki Fartasaurus a real athlete or is this signup sheet just a joke? If Greece wins a gold medal, will they give it to Germany, like, "Ha ha, we owe you a bunch of money," or will they throw it at Turkey, like, "Shut up"? Will Mary Lou Retton kill again? Should Usain Bolt be allowed to race with two artificial legs (on his arms)?"
A satirical sequence of absurd, rhetorical questions targets Olympic sports, athletes, mascots, and national participation. The questions pair genuine Olympic concerns—medals, event rules, eligibility—with intentionally ridiculous premises and cultural jabs. Scenarios range from measurement confusions (yards versus meters) to mascot name choices, imagined athlete behaviors, and odd national outcomes such as "losing" by not competing. Pop-culture crossovers and exaggerated hypotheticals appear throughout, including Subway commercials, film success translating to medals, and provocative questions about athlete identities, prosthetics, and whether televised proportions distort gymnast height.
Read at The New Yorker
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