I need science to engineer me a safer, smaller bear: about 25 pounds, no claws, a calm disposition. A toy bear. One that I could kiss and hug and push along the street in a pram.
Imagine how great safe bears would be. Every family would have one. Every only child would have a best friend. All burglars would have to retire after seeing BEWARE OF BEAR signs in every yard. And there would be no more wars, because we'd all be too busy playing with our beloved cubs.
The next sportswriter I meet who's like, 'The Seminoles are a rare beacon of light in the sport of college football! How dare the committee job such an honorable program!' will be the first.
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