"So why not get even more in the spirit by baking a delightful batch of Christmas cookies? And these cookies aren't just any old sugar cookies-these are the Red Sox Offseason Christmas Cookies! Chock full of anxiety, consternation, and inaction, these cookies taste just like money that isn't being spent, which, if we think about it, is really supposed to be the meaning of Christmas or something, according to Charlie Brown or whatever."
"24 cups of John Henry (one for every year he's been the Red Sox owner) NOTE: 4-5 of these cups are allowed to be fresh, signifying the years under John Henry that the Red Sox won the World Series. For sanity's sake, the 2025 John Henry cup can be a little more fresh as well, so we can have some optimism going into the next season. The rest should be tasteless, stale, or noticeably cheap."
A satirical Christmas cookie recipe personifies Red Sox ownership, executives, and players as baking ingredients to mock offseason decisions, spending, and fan frustration. The ingredient list assigns measures to figures such as John Henry, Craig Breslow, Sam Kennedy, Rafael Devers, Pete Alonso, Kyle Schawrber, Sonny Gray, and Brian Cashman, with notes about freshness and money. Stepwise instructions mix these elements, emphasizing stalled mixing and implied organizational dysfunction. The tone blends humor, cynicism, and holiday cheer while highlighting perceived stinginess, inaction, and the team's previous championship years as small, fresher portions in an otherwise stale batch.
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