Why You Can't Heal Your Partner's Trauma

"As children, we quickly sensed that keeping the peace was important to our safety. We learned that anticipating the moods or desires of those in power or making sure to take care of everyone else's feelings could prevent conflict or abandonment. We became the helpers, the mediators, the "mature ones." But this was often a form of survival. Over time, this role followed us into adulthood, shaping our relationships."

"Many survivors of traumatic or abusive environments carry this pattern into their adult relationships, trying to fix their partners as an unconscious attempt to heal the wounds left by unsafe caregivers from the past. We believed that if we could manage everyone else's pain, we might finally earn stability or protection from our caregivers. These strategies helped us survive childhood. But in adulthood, they can quietly turn into over-giving, which turns into blurred boundaries."

Many people learned to 'fix' others in unsafe childhoods as a survival strategy to maintain peace and avoid abandonment. Anticipating moods and taking care of others' feelings became roles such as helper, mediator, or the 'mature one.' Those roles helped children survive but can persist into adulthood as over-giving and blurred boundaries. Survivors of traumatic or abusive environments may unconsciously try to heal partners to compensate for unsafe caregivers. Healing is personal, and others may not seek or accept the same path. Accepting that others choose their own healing and establishing healthier boundaries supports healthier relationships.

Read at Psychology Today