For years, I'd used these journals as a kind of inner courtroom, constantly building a case against myself or others. Every page held evidence of failures, proof of my profoundly advanced ability to gaslight myself. I could shrink or morph into whatever was requested for another person's comfort. Small flowered booklets documenting all the ways I couldn't get "it" right.
My patient Alice began experiencing self-blame in childhood. Her well-intentioned mom put her on diets when she was in her early teens. Even before that, she had started to develop what she eventually called the "self-hatred voice." She vividly remembers when she was ten years old, sitting in the front yard with her legs bent, seeing the inside curvature of her leg and wanting it to be smaller.
This can be hard for onlookers to understand, but for people who have lived through trauma, chronic emotional invalidation, or unsafe relationships, self-blame can become an organizing principle. It offers a painful kind of order. If suffering is my fault, then at least it makes sense. Over time, that belief does not stay confined to memory. It begins to shape behavior.
If this sounds familiar, the reason you stay stuck in this cycle likely has to do with your mind's tendency to disguise rumination as "problem-solving." You might be under the impression that you're figuring out what went wrong or making sure you will not repeat the mistake. However, in reality, you're just reinforcing the guilt and trapping yourself even further in the same emotional cycle. Over time, this habit can end up chipping away at your confidence, relationships, and most importantly, your sense of self.