#gaslighting

#gaslighting

One persistent and damaging myth about narcissistic relationships is the idea that only the naïve, dependent, or psychologically injured get pulled into them. This belief not only misrepresents reality, but it also actively strengthens survivors' shame and self-blame. In truth, strategies like gaslighting don't work despite strength. Gaslighting works because of the strengths in the victim. Empathy, self-reflection, openness, and relational responsibility are all core traits essential for developing intimacy and a meaningful, purpose-driven life. And these traits are precisely what narcissistic dynamics exploit.

My parents usually weren't in the same house at the same time, though they occasionally made an exception for holidays. We might have dinner, followed by arguments or passive aggressive comments about who didn't help whom prepare and clean up. I longed for the traditions that others had with their families: making hot chocolate, stringing popcorn-such random, small things, but so meaningful when done together as a family.

Not all toxic relationship behavior looks obvious. Sometimes it's not screaming matches or cheating - it's the quiet, everyday patterns that slowly chip away at someone's confidence, boundaries, or sense of safety. Maybe it's when one partner "jokes" about the other's insecurities in front of friends, and then dismisses it with "Relax, I was just kidding." You know it's not humor - it's humiliation disguised as playfulness.

He'd make things up that didn't happen. Then he'd get angry when questioned, as if remembering was an attack on him. Every time she brought up something he did wrong, suddenly the conversation became about her mental health, her past trauma, her inability to let things go. She started writing everything down because she couldn't trust her own memory anymore. When he found her journal, he said it proved she was paranoid.

My column about gaslighting has drawn some criticism that I want to address. Noam Schimmel argues in his letter that "gaslighting" is a correct term to use when people face "hostile claims that their reported experiences are fabricated, exaggerated or made with malicious intent." But we must always have debates about whether general claims of bigotry are exaggerated or understated, and we shouldn't presume malicious intent from anyone.

"Gaslighting" is a term that comes from the world of fiction. It's a fantasy-first a play in 1938 by British playwright Patrick Hamilton, then two movies in the early 1940s. The Victorian-era plot of Gaslight involves an evil husband trying to steal from his wife (Ingrid Bergman) by driving her crazy-dimming the gas lights and denying that anything is wrong.

"Lied on our first date. It was such a small thing. I had caught him calling me the wrong name... Turns out, he's actually a massive liar, manipulator, and gaslighter."

Not the asshole. Your husband has spent five years deliberately making your life harder in tiny ways and then lying to your face to make you think you are crazy.