Trump's Not Dead, but It Sounds Like JD Vance Wouldn't Mind If He Was

"There even were rumors that he'd passed on! That he was no more! He had ceased to be! He'd expired and gone to meet his maker! That he was a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! That his metabolic processes are now history! He was off the twig! He'd kicked the bucket. He'd shuffled off his mortal coil, rung down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible."

"Turns out he's alive, at least the husk of him is. But since his White House is managing this situation even worse than they've managed the whole Epstein business, opinions on his viability remain divided. They issued what can reasonably be called a proof-of-life photo that seemed to be taken from the moon, and he still looked like death on a cracker. And J. Divan Vance took the chance to become the living embodiment of Mr. Dooley's classic description of a vice president."

"Vance gave an interview to USA Today in which he attempted to assure the country, a) that the president was in the pink and that, b) Vance is ready to take over at a moment's notice. There's a messaging problem here. "I've gotten a lot of good on-the-job training over the last 200 days," Vance said in an exclusive interview with USA TODAY on August 27, when asked if he was ready to assume the role of commander in chief."

The president was absent and unreachable over the weekend and reportedly lost his phone. Rumors circulated that he had died, accompanied by a barrage of euphemisms for death. He later appeared alive but visibly unwell, and the White House response drew criticism and comparisons to prior mismanagement. A widely derided proof-of-life photo intensified doubts about his condition. Vice President J. Divan Vance publicly sought to reassure citizens that the president was fine and that Vance stood ready to assume command, citing extensive on-the-job training over the last 200 days. The episode produced clear messaging problems and public skepticism.

Read at Esquire