Keir clubs himself with the lead pipe in a Downing Street game of No Cluedo | John Crace

"It's the worst game of Cluedo in town. Four players dealt a hand of cards. Without turning them over, player one makes the first guess. Just one question. Does the suspect wear glasses? he asks. Yes, replies player two. But he doesn't have to pay for them. OK, says player one. It's Keir Starmer in the Cabinet Office with the suicidal tendencies."

"Players two, three and four throw their cards on the table in disgust. If only they had got there first. There's hardly anyone in Westminster who doesn't think that the circular firing squad in which everyone ended up badly wounded aka Tuesday's extraordinary attacks on Wes Streeting, Shabana Mahmood and Ed Miliband came with Starmer's blessing. Morgan McSweeney, Keir's chief of staff, may increasingly appear to have the reverse Midas touch but he's not yet that dim."

"Prime ministers think nothing of laying down their friends for their lives. Weirdly the one person who is certain that the red on red briefings were nothing to do with him is Keir himself. His short term memory is shot to pieces. He can now only remember the good bits of his life. And as there currently aren't any, he can now remember nothing at all."

Four players are playing a macabre Cluedo game that ends with Keir Starmer dead by his own hand in No 10, killed with the lead pipe after repeatedly inflicting more damage on himself. Other players react with disgust, and many in Westminster believe recent attacks on Wes Streeting, Shabana Mahmood and Ed Miliband occurred with Starmer's blessing. Morgan McSweeney, Starmer's chief of staff, is suspected of poor judgement but unlikely to act without Starmer's approval. Starmer is described as having a shattered short-term memory, frequently unaware he is prime minister and needing reminders about McSweeney.

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