"I once met a woman who was really good at initiating friendships. As a friendship expert who knows that initiation is often the bottleneck to friendship, I asked her what made it so easy for her. She shared that her mother always told her, "Everyone wants to hear from you; they're just waiting for you to ask." Her mother is correct: People do want you to initiate friendships with them."
"Why does this happen? It has to do with our own egocentric bias. While we're thinking about our fears of rejection-how we might be imposing, etc.-these feelings are muddling our ability to discern the other person's actual reaction. We're not able to put ourselves fully in their shoes and see that they want to hear from us. It also has to do with surprise. Surprise tends to amplify our emotions, so if something good happens, and it's surprising, then it feels even better."
"A 2022 study, " The Surprise of Reaching Out: Appreciated More Than We Think," asked college students to write a short note and share a gift with someone they hadn't spoken to in a while. They then predicted how much the responder would appreciate the act. Responders later rated how much they actually appreciated it, and the results indicated that people underestimated how much others appreciated it when they reached out."
A quick note or message can significantly brighten someone's day, and research shows people value unexpected outreach more than initiators predict. A 2022 study asked college students to write a short note and give a gift to someone they had not contacted recently; senders underestimated how much recipients appreciated the contact, including with weak ties. The underestimation stems from egocentric bias: fears of imposing and rejection distort the initiator's perception of others' reactions. Surprise amplifies positive emotion, so unexpected friendly contact feels especially rewarding. Knowing these findings can increase confidence to reach out and initiate connections.
Read at Psychology Today
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