What Our Needs and Relationships Tell Us About Ourselves

"We also seek responsiveness to them. We want to be heard and seen for who we are. We want the other to show he gets us. We want ongoing dialogue. When the other person is too caught up in himself, he will not be able to focus on us. Only someone who can transcend his own ego can be attentive. This shows that letting go of ego, a spiritual goal, helps us love."

"Affection: The human brain develops in early life through frequent experiences of being held, cuddled, and played with. Our need for physical touch is therefore essential to our growth. We need physical holding with no sexual component in early life. We seek physical holding with a sexual dimension in our adult relationships, when it is appropriate. We need touch all through life, uninhibited but respectful of our boundaries."

Five central needs underlie healthy relationships: attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance, and allowing. Attention requires engaged focus, responsiveness, and ongoing dialogue so partners feel heard and seen; transcending ego enables true attentiveness. Affection involves physical touch and holding across life, with nonsexual holding essential in early development and appropriate sexual touch in adult relationships. Appreciation affirms value and combats feeling invisible or taken for granted. Acceptance and allowing create space for partners to be themselves without judgment. These needs originate in early childhood caregiving and continue to shape intimacy and thriving across the lifespan.

Read at Psychology Today